So for now, the wig debate continues, but in my experience, hair doesn't look that good without some type of medical assistance. I talked with Howard earlier this week, and we discussed everything from the recent rise in beard transplants to the controversy surrounding his hair. Repeated fines and interference from the FCC eventually drove the self-styled King of All Media to satellite radio in 2004. An occasional dose of low-level therapy might also do wonders for keeping his curly tresses healthy. If it is truly his hair, my guess would be that he has been using some type of preventative treatment, like FDA-approved Propecia, for years.

While it is uncommon for men at his age, 60, to have a full set of dark locks, it is possible. Oh, yeah, and the last 50 bucks goes for a nice blow-up doll and a red wig.In past interviews, when shock jock Howard Stern was asked if he wears a wig, he has professed: 'The hair is real, and I don't color it.' While many find this statement hard to believe, he has always insisted that despite seeing his dad suffer from hair loss, he has been able to maintain a luscious head of hair. Plus you've got a couple hundred left over for tips and a bag of Key limes. So put yourself in Howard's shoes, and imagine what you could buy with one day's pay for a teeny-weeny morning's worth of loose talk: a top-of-the-line Mercedes-Benz S550, a killer Porsche 911 4S, a Mercedes-Benz SLK350 folding-hardtop convertible, a slice-'n'-dice BMW M3, and how about a Range Rover HSE with cream piping on the leather seats? Plus, you still have enough left over for one night in a suite at the Plaza Hotel, where you can send down for four bottles of Charles Heidsieck Champagne Charlie '85 Brut, four large langoustine pizzas, and 6000 six-packs of Corona beer. In short, Alex Rodriguez is playing baseball for chump change. And he does five of them a week, and that works out to $100 million a year, and he has a contract with Sirius for five years' worth or until Sirius goes bankrupt, whichever comes first. Well, for a single morning show, or four hours of lascivious thong sniffing and general frat-boy ruminations, he gets $384,615. And driving down the interstate, you find yourself asking out loud: 'Just what does a schlump like Howard Stern get paid for this crap?' well, the usual: somebody's bra size, somebody's big butt, somebody's private parts. For Christmas, your father-in-law got you a year's subscription to Sirius satellite radio, so you switch it on to the Howard Stern show and he's talking about.

So, it's a brand-new year, the holidays are long over, and you're back commuting to work in your eight-year-old Camry.

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